对金钱的兴趣

时有身边的人告诉我，生意越做越大，年收入达到一千多万澳元；有几部车，最近买了最新款奥迪；跳槽收入越来越高，可以财务自由了。

听着这些，我不嫉妒也不心动，不羡慕也不自卑，可以说是，完全没感觉。别人怎样，好像跟自己完全没有关系。每个人向往的东西不一样，有些人喜欢做加法，物质和财富增加的确很有愉悦感。但也有人，就如我，一直在做减法，希望减少物质，减少物质带来的责任和压力，钱够用就好，再多也不要。

尤其是最近，我放弃了周末加班，放弃随手可得的双倍加班费，只不过想多一点时间陪小孩陪父母，多一点可以休闲的时间。工作和家庭以外的个人闲暇，我就缝纫和手工，全部都是为慈善或者免费送出。图什么？什么都不图，我就喜欢创造的过程，创造出来的结果，我不需要拥有，那不如给需要的人，让更多人快乐。

现在的我，真的很幸福，工作、家庭和个人爱好非常平衡，我也有能力和资源回馈社会和他人，每天都有时间做自己喜欢的事情，那我需要什么？那我还需要羡慕别人么？

但我唯一不喜欢的，就是被别人刷存在感。唠唠叨叨地跟我说赚了多少钱，上了名校，第一名、有多少车子房子，我没有兴趣却被迫听着，感觉自己时间被浪费了，内心拼命打呵欠，只求逃离。

大家各自过好自己生活就很好了。

放过自己

若干年前，在我上司休产假时，我接替她干了一年的管理层工作，感受是，嗯，也不过如是，而且更不自由。上面压下来的东西要做，下面不愿干的也要做，开会、报告、数字，培训，出差，一点意思都没有。到我上司休完产假回来，我就立马说，不需要栽培我，以后我都不会干管理职位。之后我还减少工作时间，一天工作四天大概两年的时间，有更多时间跟爸妈去了很多地方。

在这个社会，人人力争上游，不断进步，做到最好。可是我不断想，如果我是一年只需要一万的人，为什么要挣多于一万呢。在一些健康危机之后，我渐渐觉得，时间、健康和快乐才是最重要的，而要挣更多钱，要更出色，都是以这三者为代价的。人为什么不能慢悠悠、平凡简单生活呢。小孩子多快乐啊，可是读书、工作、找更好的工作，就渐渐不快乐了。

现在我再也没有疑问，坚定过自己想过的生活。做一份简单不占脑容量的工作，每天都可以做一些喜欢的创意活动，不需要在乎外界喜欢与否，赞誉与否。人的内心生活，才是最真实的生活。

持续更新的动力

因为最近缝纫，希望可以在social media上持续更新一下。可是发现，更新是需要动力的，记载每天的生活也是不容易的。自从有了小孩后，个人时间被挤压到几乎没有，有一点点时间也想做切实的事情，而非浏览手机，更加没有心情去写字。

想想以前年青时，大概20~30岁左右，很多彷徨，很多迷茫，但也很多思考，每天都有一堆话要输出。可是三观形成后，内心也稳定后，反而没有输出的力量。

人生有不同阶段，我大概处于“多做事少说话”的阶段吧。

journey into…

For a long long time I couldn’t bring myself to blog anything. Life is so busy that I hardly got times to sit down, so what’s the point of writing? My creative juice seems lost after I have the baby, no time to draw, paint and write. No time for myself. No time to attend to useless tasks unrelated to parenthood.

 

Then one day, I saw a listing in FB marketplace giving two small bags of fabric scraps for free. I messaged for pick up and only intended to use in my child’s (2.5 yrs old at that time) craft, some cut and paste.

 

When I arrived, the lady gave me 6 garage bags of fabric, some scraps but mostly meters and meters of fabric. My little car has fabric full to the brink!

 

After home, I started to sort out the fabric and don’t know what I should do with all of them. I gave away two bags of small scraps to my child’s family day care. The teacher and the children are glad to use them in the craft.

 

I pick up a few pieces and started to sew by hand mindlessly. I never sew before but I saw my mum sewing from very young age. My mum has tried to teach me to use machine at the age of 10 but I have no interest in it. I belongs to the generation that consumerisms is the norm and prefer ready make. I can’t see any point of learning to sew.

 

I started sewing two pieces together and found the stitching quite relaxing. After a mad day fighting with the child, stitching can calm me down and provide a quiet moment to reflect on myself. By and by, I created some patchworks, bags, cushion covers etc. They are far from perfect but I found my stitches are getting better and faster. I have a feeling that I may get a little bit talent from my mum.

 

I started posting my creation in FB group, not expect of anything but just want to learn and share. One day, a lady in the group contacted me and asked if I would like a sewing machine her neighbour was giving away. I am a bit hesitated as I have a queer fear of using machine and at that point I still don’t have any intention of making clothes. But my mum said it will be useful for alternation and mending. So I drove 1 hrs to get this lovely Janome sewing machine. It is an old model has feature of quilting but all the function are good and steady.

 

So I started learning how to use the machine, understanding terminology of sewing world. I use it to make clothes for the family, has done a lot of mending. It opens a wilder world for me.

 

I still enjoy sewing by hand but sometimes I use machine to help some of the repetitive tasks. I explored different ways of making things and using different technic to achieve different effect.

 

I am back to my old self, enjoying art and craft. I mean, the creativity never leave me or I can say, I never abandon my creativity. I use all my free time to learn and make. Stitch by stitch, my needle never leaves me. I sew when I waiting my child of her dancing lesson. I like to put the needle on my lips so I can have my hands free to cut threads and arrange the fabric. Parents and kids saw me and that horror looks. Oh boy!

 

Yes I am a bit additive to sewing I have to admit. But I have so much joy in making useless things. My passion is using upcycled materials to hand craft little things. I can’t handle anything as large as quilt and my family just don’t need so many clothes. I only make clothes when any of us in need of one. I prefer mending and make do. My creations are also related to mending as the stitches I used are more likely to use in visible mending and make do like sashiko, kawandi and darning.

 

I am not sure where it will lead me but it promotes some interesting conversation with different people I met. Most of people are very generous to give away materials for free. I want to return or spread the generosity to the community. I also would like more people understand and appreciate upcycle and zero waste.

 

Most of time I make useless things but I think they are cute and can bring happiness to people, like the “#I found a heart”. I still not sure how to carry out, how to fuel my journey to upcycle and return to community. But I am enjoying every bit of creating.

 

I restart my blogging as I would like to share the joy of handmade.

 

考验

娃将近3岁了，越来越活跃，感觉日常消耗已经不够。最近似乎喜欢扭扭身子跳舞，于是问她想学跳舞吗？娃儿说yes。想着接下来一个月，托儿所老师去度假，我必须一边工作一边带娃，那倒不如让她试一下跳舞？

这里跳舞不像国内中规中矩，尤其是幼龄的，纯粹就是屁股扭扭，群魔乱舞，增加社交而已。每一个舞蹈室都提供免费试学，于是book了附近两家，一个是今天，一个是下周。

今天去的舞蹈室，感觉沟通一般般，去到老师也没有花一些时间在跟娃沟通和熟悉上。也不知道是不是狭窄的楼梯引起她的恐惧还是纯粹怕生，反正娃一去到就扁嘴说要go home，之后就爆哭。我怕影响他人，就想也没多想就带她走了。但事后我很后悔，其实我应该狠心一点，跟她kiss,hug,high five, bye-bye后就应该消失，让老师和其他小朋友跟她磨合。可是我第一反应却是“不要勉强她，不要让她有阴影”。

我自己也不知道，究竟什么是对什么是错。当然做父母的，也很难说对错，可是哪个才是更好的决策？还有孩子表现不如自己期望，如何调整自己的心态？虽说我并不期望她跳出什么，只是单纯想有个活动让她愉快，消耗一下过剩的精力。我的失望更多是来自于对自己的自责，觉得应该有更好的处理方式而自己没做到。

回来跟朋友倾诉了一下，朋友安慰“放过自己”。我趁娃睡觉时，一边开会一边手缝布，内心不断进行对自己的对话。娃渐大，日后必然越来越难搞，情绪如何管理，课外活动的取舍，家里如果培养她独立，我要进行什么活动，该做怎样的姿态。。。

现在我情绪稍微平复了一点。下周另一家舞蹈室试学，我可以试一下果断明了的告别，离场，事后再跟老师沟通娃的表现，如果ok，可以继续，不ok，也就当娃给自己省钱，没什么是必要做的，我以前不也是讨厌跳舞么？有些事情缘分未到，家长想为孩子好的愿望也未必如愿。

要耐心耐心啊。