My mind changed dramatically this week. Suddenly I realised why I felt a bit uncertain and blue after I settle down.
I like what I have now: I have a happy marriage, a good job, a house, a car and friends. I should not complain at all. But why I felt down and worry what should I do in the future? I reckoned it was my busy day routine and my job prevents me from doing what I like. I want to have a more creative life with enough time be devoted to thinking and writing. I may write, I may draw, I may walk around the world; I would have enough time to sleep, cook and do many healthy activities; I would have time with my family and can go to visit friends more frequently; I could lay down in the lawn and see the sun break through the bar of the cloud; I could appreciate the beauty of nature and do bush walk.
I blamed my job for not letting me to enjoy my life which is not right at all. I may quit my job because I am not happy with it; but by doing so won’t pay me the life I want, as I realised now.
The problem of myself is, I felt panic to be placed to this comfortable position after I have worked and studied really hard for several years. I felt my creativity and passion of life are ceasing. Like a soldier who just won a battle and returned home, he may eat too much and do nothing than just relaxing. Mind will lose power if one relax for a long time.That is why I felt mentally and physically exhausted even I slept a lot (from 9 or 10pm -6:30am) with less and less housework to be done. My reading is slow and lazy; not much creative work; learning stopped.
My knowledge is so limited and I don’t have right to have unrealised day dream. The only way to minimise my dullness and moodiness is to start concentrating on learning again. Not just read causally but read systematically; practise story telling and leaning how to write better and better until I find my own way and own style; say no to my sleepiness and laziness. Wake up, my power of mind!!
Therefore I have reserved the guest room as my study room (I can’t stand sharing the dinning room with my husband because he likes to talk to himself while working). I read philosophy/history, which the subjects that need my greatest attention for an hour; then I read fiction or essay for another 1 hour;before going bed, I do some writing and read more relaxing books after I sit in bed.
Well, I just found out life can not go on without some purposes or goals; otherwise life will become meaningless and unbearable vain. I think the goal can be set up according to my real interests and be achieved as best as I can, no matter what will become at the end..